During pregnancy, I broke out with a bad batch of eczema on my arms and back. I also began finding unusual bumps forming on my body too. They were disgusting and made me very self conscious. After I had Jayce, I assumed the bumps and eczema would go away and clear up, but they didn’t. My mom set me up an appointment with a dermatologist. When I got there, my dermatologist began looking at the bumps. Then he mentioned “You have a lot of birthmarks”, and he sounded worried. I didn’t feel worried about it though. For seventeen years of my life, I have been covered in birth marks, and I’ve still lived a healthy, somewhat normal life. The dermatologist then began explaining a disease called Neurofibromatosis. He explained that it’s a genetic neurological disease with some symptoms including six or more cafe o lait spots (birth marks), freckles under the armpit, neurofibromas, learning disabilities, and ADHD. He did a biopsy of one of the unusual mole-like bumps on my body because he said that he would be able to find out if I had this disease or not. A couple days later, he called me and explained that I do. He recommended that I go see a genetic counselor, in order to know what symptoms to look out for myself and Jayce. It’s terrifying that I might’ve unknowingly changed Jayce’s life in a negative way. I have a minor case and am fine, but who’s to say that Jayce or one of my other children wouldn’t end up getting this awful disease. I’ve always been a worrier, and I tend to assume the worst. I’m just hoping this disease stops with me.
This morning my sweet little chunk woke up at 5 AM smiling and wanting kisses. I let him come into the bathroom with me to brush my teeth, and he babbled the whole time. I love how he wanted to communicate with his momma. I guess he knows how to roll from his side to his tummy now because when he woke up to eat he was flat on his tummy. I know that I didn’t lay him down like that. Jayce definitely does not like his face being turned to one side or the other. He kept moving his head from left to right, rubbing his nose and the pillow. After a while he just cried, so I flipped him over. I know that he wants to roll over because he kicks his feet, flails his little arms, and continuously turns his head back and forth whenever I put him on his tummy. On the bright side, when Jayce wakes up at 5 AM, I’m forced to get up at 5 AM, which means I start doing school much earlier than I would if he wakes up at 8:30. I have a lot to accomplish today, and I’m hoping my sweet little peanut cooperates, so I can complete everything on my to-do list.
I have officially decided that my exhaustion level on a scale from 1 to 10 is about an 11. From what I hear that never really gets better. Jayce usually only wakes up to eat, but that still only leaves me with 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night. During the day my parents work. People tell me to sleep when Jayce sleeps, but if I did that, then there’s no way I would graduate high school on time. Even with doing school while the little one sleeps, I don’t usually get everything I need to done. I still spend my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights trying to make sure I’m ahead, or at least that I’m not behind. Isaac is coming back on the 31st, so he’s going to spend the Sunday and Monday afterwards with me before he has to work. I wanted to completely focus on him those days, so we can catch up on stuff. I guess that means staying up until I feel like I’m hallucinating so be it. People say that when the baby reaches 10 pounds, they will start sleeping in longer stretches. I really hope that’s true, but I think that will just mean that Jayce would be more awake during the day. That still leaves me scrambling to make sure I’m on schedule with school when I desperately want to be relaxing.
Today, we all went to a Halloween party. Jayce dressed up like a little skeleton. The sleeper he wore even made it look like there was little candy in his tummy. The hat didn’t fit though. Everyone wanted to him and Connor. It was really cool seeing how loved those little boys are. I talked to Andrew’s wife, Kyra, about my pregnancy. She asked me if I went to school until I had him. It was nice being able to explain how lonely things got during that time. Nobody really asked me what school was like. Not very many people asked me about school and the way people treated me. I told her about how nobody really had the guts to say anything rude to my face. The shame came with the looks, and I chose not to talk about my pregnancy during school, unless somebody else brought it up. It was nice how this party reminded me that choosing to keep Jayce was definitely the right decision. Even if I had a baby at 16, my baby is just as loved as if I was 30. My son is completely blessed to be surrounded by amazing people that will always love and support him. I’m glad that I made the decision to bring Jayce into the world and to love him every single day.
Looking back I know how desperately bad I wanted a girl. Even though, I knew I would love a little boy too, I just wanted a girl for someone reason. In my heart, I always had a feeling that he would be the sweet little boy that I get to cuddle with now. The day I had my ultrasound to find out the gender, my mom stared at my face, assuming I’d be disappointed when they told me that the little baby in my tummy was a little boy, but I wasn’t disappointed. Now I can watch superhero movies, play catch, and spend way less money on clothes. Now, I can’t even imagine what changing a girl’s diaper would be like. I am so set with my baby boy, that I wouldn’t take it any other. Plus, they say that boys bond better with their mom, and girls bond better with their dad. I think that must be true. Jayce definitely loves me, and he’s such a momma’s boy. That doesn’t totally surprise me though; he doesn’t see his dad enough to be a daddy’s boy. I’m so lucky that God gave my baby Jayce Braxton Olson. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This morning Jayce woke up at 4:30 to eat, which isn’t uncommon, so of course I fed him. Usually after he eats, he just passes out again, but today was different. Today he stayed awake, wanting to cuddle me while smiling at me. I found it impossible to be bummed out that I wasn’t asleep because there’s nobody in the world who I’d rather lose sleep for. I can’t blame him either. For nine months he was as close as he could possibly be to me. He was inside of my tummy. He was apart of me. I have no right to be upset that now that he’s outside of me, he wants to be close to me. My sweet little boy deserves all of my attention. Jayce’s sweet little baby smiles will always be worth waking up early in the morning, late at night, or when I feel like I have a thousand other things to do. Words can’t express how much I love seeing him grow. He rolls on his sides, smiles, knows how to kiss back, and almost weighs ten pounds now. He gives me so much joy, and if I could go back, I would choose this life a million times. I couldn’t even imagine my life without him. Even an awful day with him is better than a terrible day without him.
Today is Isaac’s birthday, and I miss him so much. It’s exhausting doing this whole parent thing all alone. I have my parents help when they are home, but it isn’t the same as having the help of the baby’s father.I feel like I’m raising a baby pretty much all alone while trying to hold together a relationship from 12 hours away. I almost wish I could blame Isaac, but I can’t. He doesn’t want to be in South Dakota away from us, or so he says. I can’t hold a grudge at his parents forever though. I don’t think that things would be much different if Isaac was in Wisconsin anyways. He would probably be working all the time and I’d be here, all alone. I’m so glad that Jayce is such a good baby because I would probably spend 90% of my day sobbing if he was a colicky baby. Still, I’m counting down the days until I can feel like I’m not totally a single mom. For Isaac’s birthday, I bought him the Hylian Shield from The Legend of Zelda, but I’m not giving it to him until he comes to. He’s waiting to give me the gift that he bought for me until then as well.
Jayce and I went to our first pumpkin patch together. We tagged along with Colton and Caleb’s families. It bums me out that Isaac isn’t here to create family memories with Jayce and I, but I’ve been doing my best to not let myself get stuck on that. If I let myself overthink how he isn’t here, I wouldn’t want to create memories without him. That’s not fair to our little boy. Even if Jayce is too little to remember all of these little memories, he’s still deserves to have them. I guess we can just show him all of the cool things we did when he was a little over a month old with many pictures. For $8 we all got a hay ride, 1 big pumpkin, 2 mini pumpkins, 2 gourds, and 2 husks of corn. The little ones also got a big pumpkin. The next day everybody came over to carve pumpkins and eat caramel apples. I carved “Jayce” into the pumpkin because we didn’t have any paint to do his hand and foot prints. I love making sweet family traditions, and I really hope things like this carry on for many years. I’m hoping by Christmas time, Isaac will be up for making some family memories with our mini family too.
Jayce has been sleeping for three hour stretches the past few nights, and it definitely makes for a happier me. He has just been waking up to eat, and soothing him back to sleep the past couple of nights has been much easier than the week before. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to have such a good baby. He is definitely a Momma’s boy and has been sleeping in my bed with me. I know that there are risks with that, but I don’t really know what else to do when our basement is freezing cold. Plus, he sleeps much better in my bed. If he’s in his pack and play, he tends to have a much more difficult time staying asleep. I’m not going to lie either, I love the snuggles at 3 am. He always knows just how to remind me why I continue to wake up with him every night. He’s my sweet baby, and our bond in indescribable. People told me that I was going to love him, but I’m lost for words when it comes to describing our love. I’m such a proud Momma.
Overall, Jayce is a really wonderful little boy, but lately he’s been going through a phase. He has been fussy, and I don’t know why. I try everything I possibly can to calm him down, and most of the time I feel stuck. I hate that this sweet little boy is all mine, and I don’t know what to do to make him happy. I hate that even me, his mom, can’t cheer him up. I hope it gets better soon. I’m with the little squirt all day long, and I have been looking forward to when my parents get home so I can have a break. My parents are really supportive and extremely helpful when it comes to giving me breaks at the end of the night, although I would go crazy for a long nap and a hot bath. Other than that I’m extremely blessed to have such a sweet baby the majority of the time.