Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and it really got me thinking about how you are always asked what you’re thankful for on Thanksgiving. What about every other day of the year? We all have so much good, and so few of us stop to appreciate everything that we have EVERY day of the year. Jayce and I went to Isaac’s house and after eating we all went around the table saying what we were thankful for. I said Jayce. I’m so blessed to have a sweet, happy, healthy baby boy. It reminds me of those who so desperately want children, but can’t have them. It makes my heart go out to my friend, Makayla, who recently miscarried. It makes me more grateful than ever that my baby boy is HERE. He is my whole little world. I want to take time every single day to be thankful for him and all of the other wonderful things going on in my life right now. I’m thankful for Isaac. He’s 17 and has done a great job of stepping up to the task of parenting. I hope someday Jayce can grow up in a two parent home with his momma and dadda. I’m thankful for parents. Things have been somewhat touchy in that area, but I love knowing that my parents want and always will want the best for mine and Jayce’s lives. They have taught me right from wrong, and I really appreciate them for that. I want to be thankful for everything that I have because not everyone is as blessed as I am. So Happy Thanksgiving every day.
My old teacher and FCCLA advisor messaged me on Facebook asking me to speak to her child development class about my pregnancy, birth, parenting, etc. Of course I said yes! I used the opportunity to talk about what it’s like to be pregnant…especially when you’re 16. People had opportunities to ask me questions. I was asked if I thought I would get pregnant and if I regret having Jayce. Both of those questions really got me to thinking. When you’re having sex in high school, you never think you’ll get pregnant, until you do. That’s what happened to me. I lived life on the edge I guess you could say. The second question made me think that if I could go back in time, I would’ve waited until I was older to have a baby if I could. I want my baby boy to have everything he’s ever dreamed of. I love him so much, but it was also a reminder that I love being a mom. I’ve always pictured myself being a stay at home momma with a bunch of sweet little ones running around. That hasn’t changed. Being a mom is better than I ever could have imagined, and I’m so glad that I have the honor of spending my days loving Jayce Braxton. I would never take back choosing to keep and love him. I hope my story stuck with people and helped them understand the goods and bads of being a teen mom.
Recently something happened in my family. It’s weird how one piece of information can change your entire perception of everything. The thought of all of the pain being experienced really took a toll of me. Yesterday I was too sick to eat, sleep, or do much. I didn’t shower or clean like I usually do. I just wanted to lay down and cry. It even made taking care of Jayce more difficult. I don’t know if he was actually crabby yesterday or if I was so stressed out that I perceived him that way. This morning when I woke up, the difficult things were discussed. I spent the last two days thinking and praying about what I should say. I really used yesterday morning as an outlet to draw closer to the Lord, who I feel like I’ve fallen away from. I wanted to connect. This whole situation has been an eye opener on how I live my life, as well as the kind of man I want Jayce to become. I want to raise him right, even if I am young. I want him to know that his life has an amazing purpose that God will show to him if he follows him. I truly want my son to someday make an amazing husband, father, and man someday, so I’m going to raise him to do just that.
Throughout the past 17 years of my life, I realized how much I adore babies and children. I was completely set on the idea of having six kids and being a stay at home mom who loved on her babies and cleaned all day. After having Jayce, it seems like that’s changed, It’s not because I’m so young, or financially unable. Although those are both true. It’s not because I can’t handle that many children. It’s simply because Jayce has hold of my entire heart. There’s nobody in the world that I have loved as deeply as I love Jayce. I’m scared that my next child won’t have as much of my love and attention as the sweet boy cuddled into my arms has. I’m scared that somehow Jayce will come first, before any, even his brothers and sisters. This might just me being overly worried because when I was pregnant, I never knew just how much I would love my baby or how honored being his mom would make me. My eyes are as open as they’ve ever been to how much people’s children mean to them. It also has made me become aware of how ridiculous someone must be if ANYTHING comes before the sweet human they’ve created.
Today Jayce turns two months old. He loves being naked, cuddling, listening to music, and sucking on his nunu (pacifier). He hates getting the hiccups, peeing on himself, and when his baths aren’t warm enough. Little man constantly lays on the ground and coos when we’re “playing”. He can kiss back. Whenever I go in for a kiss, he opens his mouth wide, and sticks out his tongue. He’s so laid back and loves hanging out at home with momma watching movies. He eats about every two hours, snuggles me constantly, has pretty blue eyes, and lots of brown hair. I’d like to think that he loves me the most because I’m his momma. I feel beyond words blessed that this little boy is all for me. Jayce is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. He reminds me every single day that I’m really lucky to have him. I can’t picture my life without waking up to this sweet baby boy laying by my side. I’m glad that my first baby was such a good one because he definitely makes me excited to make him a big brother (sometime in the DISTANT future). I know that he’ll be a fantastic one.
Yesterday Jayce and I tagged along with Isaac and his family to go out to eat in Stevens Point. Initially, I felt really excited that Isaac thought to invite us. It makes me feel really special that we are included in family events. First, we went out for coffee because Isaac’s family is coffee crazy, which I don’t mind myself. Jayce sat and hung out the whole time we were at the coffee shop and in an antique store, but when we went out to eat, he just wasn’t having it anymore. I think he was both hungry and tired, but the tired overruled the hunger. Everytime I tried to feed him, he just screamed instead. I spent the whole time that we were at the restaurant trying to soothe him, but I couldn’t get him to fall asleep. Isaac’s parents tried too, but it didn’t work for them either. Everybody always ended up giving Jayce back to me, which a part of me doesn’t mind, but I feel so helpless when I’m unable to help either. When we finally left the restaurant, I hoped that Jayce would fall asleep in the car, so when he woke up, he’d eat and then be his usual happy self. Everyone was pretty loud in the car ride too, so he never fell asleep. By the end of the night, I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go to sleep, and I prayed that Jayce would fall asleep cuddling me too. He did end up passing out, but I will definitely need a hot bubble bath and a nap today.
On Saturday, we’re getting family pictures taken, so i wanted to get my hair done before that. Isaac had off, so he agreed to come over and spend the day with Jayce and I, then watch Jayce when I went to my appointment. I cannot even believe how much you can miss someone when you are away from them for two hours. That was the first time that I have ever been away from him for more than an hour. With that experienced, I also learned how innate being a mom is for me. I’ve always wanted lots of kids (maybe not at 16), but it always came so naturally for me to feed and take care of another little human. Although, Isaac is a great father, he doesn’t have that innate ability. He was texting me asking me how to heat up the breastmillk because I’m nursing. I could tell he was getting stressed out about it, which was stressing me out. He did manage to keep Jayce alive and safe though, which were pretty much my basic requirements. Jayce had a really good evening, and I like to think that that’s because he is home with his mommy. The nighttime sleeping arrangements weren’t quite as positive though, but I have officially realized that any night home with my little boy is better than it ever will be away from him.
Yesterday Kalee came home for a visit from Madison. I suggested us going to Appleton because I know that people get bored when they spend a lot of time watching Netflix at my house with a cute crying baby. Let me tell you about how easily you take for granted the ability to just run into a store or to actually look around. Jayce was in his carrier, fussing all day long while my back killed me. I wanted to try on dresses, but it’s difficult when you have a baby strapped to your chest, and you have to take the carrier off and on at every single store that you want to try a dress on at. This time shopping was not much different than the last time that I took him shopping, he cried and passed out the second we got home. Seriously the only stuff I bought were diapers, facewash, and lunch. I think after a couple hours in Appleton, we were both thankful to be doing nothing but cuddling on the couch with “Friends” playing in the background. I guess the next time that I want to shop, Jayce will be with a babysitter, so Mommy can try on clothes.
A couple days ago Isaac came home from South Dakota. It made me so happy seeing Jayce and Isaac interact with one another. Isaac is a wonderful father to Jayce, and whether or not Isaac and I stay together, I hope those two always have as wonderful as a relationship as they do now. Isaac tickled him, and he told me how happy it made him to our see our little boy smile at him. Although Isaac and I don’t always get along, I couldn’t imagine a better guy to become a father at 17. Isaac really is good at it. Another thing that made me feel happy was that Isaac had an opportunity to experience Jayce’s crabby side. The whole time before Isaac left for South Dakota, Jayce did nothing but eat, poop, and sleep. Now that he’s getting older, he’s awake more. That means more smiles and more crabby time. When I would vent to Isaac about how stressed I get when Jayce would cry simply just to cry, Isaac didn’t understand the extent of it. I love Jayce to pieces, but I hate when he cries, and I don’t know what he needs. It makes me feel like a terrible mother. Isaac got to experience Jayce crying for no reason, and I think I gained more of his respect for it.