Hey, I’m awake, and I truly miss writing to you all. There are so many blogs that I’ve been brainstorming, not to mention that Jayce is 9.5 months old, and I still haven’t posted about him turning 9 months old.
I should go to bed, but I’m not tired. The motivated perfectionist in me is screaming “Jayce is asleep. Go be productive”. Blogging is a cross between productive and relaxing, so that’s what I’m choosing to do.
Things have been busy. I’ve been so stinkin’ broke, so any free time when I’m not doing school or taking care of Jayce, I’ve been doing whatever I can for my parents to earn some side cash. I cleaned 2 of the 3 of our bathrooms from head to toe. Then I went down to my dad’s shop and cleaning the bathroom there. I also went through papers on his desk and filed them. There were papers from 2013, so you get the point that my dad is not necessarily the most organized fella around.I can’t complain though. My dad’s lack of organization is aiding in the possibility of me purchasing a beautiful turquoise ring sling soon! *Fingers crossed*
Also, I want to learn how to crotchet. I went out and purchased some yarn and hooks. I’ve been browsing through YouTube getting some ideas. My sister-in-law is the one who really gave me the push to pursue. If she can make blankets, hats, and scarves with a 3 year old, 1 year old, and baby on the way then I can fit the time into my busy schedule with just the one baby.
I’m hoping that soon I will take the time to go through and clean up old blogs. I might even play around with my theme and try to freshen up this blog! I just feel like I need to try something new and make a change, especially because lately I’ve been posting on “The Life of a Crunchy Mama” (feel free to check it out).
Anywho, I just wanted to give you an update on things. Hopefully I’ll find the time to blog more over the course of the next few weeks to make up for posts that I’ve been slacking on posting.
I’m just not good at being friends with girls. I want to be though, really really bad, but I’m terrible about it. I day dream about getting together with some of my girlfriends watching cheesy romantic comedies while painting our nails next to a big bowl of buttery popcorn. I want to do facials and talk about who is dating who. I want someone to be my shoulder to cry on when life is going how I imagined it would, and I want to be that shoulder for someone else too.
But no matter how hard I try to make friends with other girls…I just can’t. Either the only thing in common we have is our taste in nail polish or they are too catty. Sometimes they already have their own groups of friends, and they just aren’t looking to expand that group for a girl with a baby. What sucks the most is when I actually make an effort, and I don’t feel like it is returned.
Sometimes I meet other girls, and I feel like we actually connect with one another. We have a great time chatting, and at the end of our time together I’ll say “Hey, add me on Facebook”, and they will. That’s usually the extent of it though. They never message me, and I never message them. After that our hopeful friendship becomes nothing more than liking each other’s pictures and statuses on a social media site.
Then there are times where I’ll take it one step further. Sometimes I get up the courage to message them asking them to hang out. Usually they plan something and bail. Sometimes they follow through, and then the whole outing is just too awkward. Maybe the spark of our first meeting is just gone.
I’m probably going to sound like one of those cliche girls who says “I hang out with guys because they are less drama”, even though those are the promiscuous ones who secretly have flings with each one of those “friends” (No, I’m not judging you). But seriously, guys are less drama. It’s much easier to click with a guy who isn’t totally fixated on talking crap about that skank from science class.
Anyways, whether the reason I’m not good at being friends with girls is my trust issues, lack of courage, or awkwardness or theirs…I guess it’s still difficult. I still long for more than just “Sup?” conversations with my guy friends. I long for late night girl conversations with my best chick. Oh well though. Someday that time will come.
Today I was walking into Aldi (I love Aldi) wearing Jayce in our Ergo Baby SSC. I was on a mission to get all of the groceries we needed. I had a quarter ready in hand, a comfy baby on my chest, and my cross body bag perfectly placed for easy access. This was an easy shopping trip for us. We found everything we needed and Jayce didn’t make a peep. This makes me sound like one of those moms who have the “perfect” life where everything goes great. Trust me, I’m not one of those moms though.
Every parent has their own form of “helping new moms”. As soon as someone finds out you’re having a baby, they jump on you with “tips” and their opinions. Everyone is so eager to tell you whether or not you should circumcise your son. They want to tell how important it is to breastfeed. They want to tell you all about things because they are “experts”.
I get looks, really dirty looks. People will stare at teen mom me with a baby, and although they don’t usually say anything, I know what they’re thinking. They think I’m irresponsible. They think I have no idea what I’m doing. They feel bad for Jayce that he has such a “sucky” mom. Yes, yes…I do know that not everybody feels this way about teen moms, but way too many people do feel this way.
No matter how long you’ve been a mom and how confident you feel, someone will tell you you’re parenting wrong. I’ve felt this way far too many times. It even reached the point that I would feel too anxious and nervous to go out in public because I was scared someone would be rude. I would get shaky whenever an adult would start watching me. It’s like I could see them thinking “she’s not doing that right…stupid teenager”.
Anyways as I walked out of the store, I had this sassy attitude. I felt so proud of myself for doing everything right. I put all of the groceries in the trunk, brought the cart back, and then got Jayce in his car seat. All was well and all was good. This was the first time I’ve ever had this much confidence in myself and in my abilities as a mother. This was the first time since I had Jayce that I was in public and I didn’t feel anything that I mentioned above.
What this taught me was that no mom really does things perfect. As time went on I think I just quit caring. I didn’t want to fear going out in public. I don’t care if this mom thought I was doing it right or wrong. I don’t care if that mom thought that babywearing was unsafe because I’ve researched it all out. I don’t care if others are convinced that I’m a bad mom just because I’m a teenager.
I guess I just quit caring. I guess I just got confident. I got proud…proud of myself and proud of who I am as a mother.